The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
