I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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