I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
