I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
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we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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