omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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