Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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