Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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