WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
