very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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