he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
