So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
