I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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