dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
MIDGETS
????
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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