i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Randomize
