Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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