It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
