I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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