i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
