I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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