i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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