I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm getting married
To pizza
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Randomize
