From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
