Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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