my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
