That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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