i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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