Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
