I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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