Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
the day after is always just damage control
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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