speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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