ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
