i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
