I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
