I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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