also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize