The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
