Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize