She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
