Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
