i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
