I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
