i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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