my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
