wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Randomize
