dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Randomize
