the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
