That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
You made out with two different species that night
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
