Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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