So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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