dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
