When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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