my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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