he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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