Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
