I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You know, be my cock's hype man.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
